Sunday, September 2, 2007

K - (knee, keeping-up, kind)

Oh my!!!
Finally a post...

I have been trying to get this massively overdue project of a knee joint finished. I would actually be enjoying the work if I wasn't so worried about being so late. It should be finished in one more day...fingers crossed.

Now I just have to find one!

Well?....I'm just not!

Last week was a good week as I concentrated on keeping life very simple (and being OK with that - probably the hard bit)...just the basics. I did OK and that is probably the only reason I am posting today.

I am finding things a little confusing right now. I am not myself. I think if I could just put my finger on what is wrong, that I should be able to fix it. I feel fine enough (not sad or down really...) but I just cannot seem to get anything done...and I don't mean extra things like art, craft and sewing. I mean very basic things like washing, showers, dinner, being on time and just gettng out of the house.
My life at the moment feels so heavy. The inertia is terrible. It feels as if I am wading through molasses every minute of every day. I am finding it very strange. I just don't understand why I cannot get things in order when I have been able to in the past with a lot more on my plate.

I feel as if I am always late...everywhere. No matter how early I start to get ready. I feel I am always in a fluster, dishevelled and present as a mess. I feel as if others view me as out-of-control, rude, forgetful and vacuous. I hesitate, double-guess and re-think everything I am going to do or have done, every conversation and action. It's exhausting! I feel as if I am unravelling and if I pull any one of the loose threads I will just become completely undone.

I often speak in images when I am trying to explain how I feel. You may understand the feeling of taking a corner in your car just a wee bit too fast and feeling as if you are just, just maintaining control. It feels as if any second the car will slip off the road. You just hold on hoping you will get around the corner. That's how my days feel at the moment. Not all of them but many of them...enough that I feel a bit unsafe in some way.

There is no need for alarm and this post is not intended to seek that kind of concern...I do apologise. I am just trying to work out some method to get my life under control and confident again. That is the reason for the lack of posts on this blog.

To myself.
It is one of the things that have helped this week. I realised my self-talk has been terrible. My nutrition even worse. I have not walked anywhere in a long time. All these things I tried to change this week. I also decided to stop comparing myself to others who always seem to be organised, productive and accomplishing many things. To be kinder to myself, it really does not matter why I can't do all the things I feel I should be able to, or how behind I feel because of it. If I can't right now...then I just can't and should be OK with me. It is my own pressure so I decided to try to remove some of it.

I walked in the sunshine, went to the park, ate better, I thought about doing less and believe I actually did more...I had a good week!


Melanie said...

I think the 'eating better' part helps immensely. And the 'being ok with doing less', which is where I struggle. I wrote about similar feelings recently (and oddly, 'wading through treacle' is exactly how my mother phrases it). Giving the issue an airing helped too, though I'm still not out of my own treacle :)

annie said...

In regard to your continued lethargy have you ever had a blood test for Thyroidism? This sort of exhausted tiredness plagued me for ages,years I finally went to the Dr who gave me a blood test and it turned out I had Hypothyroidism.>
Have a look at some of the symptoms,does that sound like you?