Saturday, October 7, 2006

30 weeks...and a bit of a blurt

Yes, the last ten weeks are upon me.

Still no tummy pics as I am not the most flattering shape generally, but I am definitely looking pregnant now. I have noticed most people think I am very close to delivering so that leads me to think I am quite large. The general public are always so helpful in this manner ;)

I am definitely excited and nervous about the changes that a new little (or big, as the existing case may be) personality may bring to our house. There is also certainly more than a bit of nervousness or anxiety around the chance that 37 weeks could bring with it similar things to last time (see below for the link to that saga). I am hoping like hell that does not happen but the doctor's just don't seem to know.

At least I was aware this time before I got pregnant that it might be something that could re-occur for me. Even though, I do not think that knowledge has helped the anxiety any. I am really just trying to relax and go with the flow. I think, for me that is really important, and one of the major reasons last time did not go so well.

I must clarify "did not go so well". I know a lot of women have major difficulty during their labour process and suffer terribly. My difficulties were during the pregnancy and dealing with the effects from that. The labour was OK and I was quietly happy that I managed to escape an emergency c-section. Let's hope that I can do the same this time round. What I really couldn't come to terms with last time was the permanent loss of my face.

All the stories that one hears...but who expects for something like that to happen?

The doctor's and nurses were all at a loss - some had never ever seen it before during pregnancy. Everyone said the facial paralysis would definitely be temporary (6 weeks at the most)...but it wasn't. I still feel sad thinking about it. I still feel it was just plain unfair. The odds against it were freakish but I happened to be that 1 in whatever ridiculous large number you want to choose.

It is three years later and I live with it...I have no choice. I no longer cry about it every day or even every month but as I write this I am keenly aware that it still upsets me - a lot.

I feel a bit vain or somehow shallow worrying about my face or looks. I know that it may happen again this pregnancy and I think I am better prepared for it but really I am not sure I will cope any better (particularly if I lose even more function in my face). I think I am more worried than I would care to let myself admit.

My last pregnancy was not a wonderful time at all. By chance mostly, it was the most stressful year or so I have ever experienced and I am clinging to the hope that this time round, not working so much, staying well and keeping relaxed will serve me better and keep me safe. I can only hope and just see what eventuates. I understand that I have absolutely no control over this outcome (and probably many other outcomes in this process) I find that unsettling and scary but there is no reverse gear in this journey. I just have to go forward into it and see what happens.

I'm crossing my finger things will be OK and hoping that my stress can be kept to a minimum.

* * * * * * * * * * *

EDIT: I wrote this post this morning. I had every intention of updating you on how well I was feeling. Positive, excited about my progress and the wonderful little surprise package that is on its way. I was alone at home having some quiet time before going to work and the above is what just leaked out. I had a bit of a cry but I think just writing it has been helpful and relieving somehow - better out than in huh? - and that is why I decided to post it.

Things are still positive and I am excited. Things are going well. Hopefully this time around luck will fall my direction. After all, the most important outcome is the birth of a healthy new addition to my little family, no matter what else happens.


Dawn said...

Oh my, I do hope that things go much better this time for you. I can remember being very nervous as I looked toward the birth of my the first had been traumatic for me. (Never mind the details..she was healthy and I lived through it..)The second was much easier and I actually went on to have more children.

I love your site and your art. I am so loving the tweak you did to your blogger template. Beautiful sidebar wallpaper!!!!!

All the best for a beautiful baby and blessings upon you...

whizzme said...

hang in there Dani, it sounds awful about your face, and i dont think it is shallow or vain. I hope it doesn't happen again. I'm thinking of you. Sam

salina said...

I love your designs! So imaginative and beautiful to look at. I wish you all the best during and after your pregnancy.

leesa said...

I can definately sympathize with the bells' palsy (been there, done that) - scary stuff. I will cross everything, remember all pregnancies are different and this one will be wonderful!

Sally said...

It's only natural your nervous as hell and at the same tme trying to remain calm so it doesn't happen again. I hope everything is a lot less stressful than the first time (even easier). You're lucky you've got your art and family to keep you going!

ellia said...

wow, first off i had no idea you were pregnant!!!! how fun is that?! wow!!! i wish you all the best! it is sad to hear what happened the last time and your feelings are truly understandable... i am so very happy though to hear that your family is growing... your kids will forever appreciate and love you! and how sweet is that?!


Sarah said...

Thinking good things for you and your new little one, may the rest of your pregnancy and the birth be uneventful and as enjoyable as possible.

suzy said...

I think definitely better out than in - thanks for sharing. I hope so much that everything is better this time.
And your Plush You frogs look gorgeous, congratulations!

Pascale said...


I just discovered your blog today via Nikishell. Your drawings are amazing, so delicate. I feel weird about commenting on such an intimate issue because I don't know you, but now I've read it,I can't ignore it. I just had to tell you that your concerns are absolutely not shallow, it's totally normal and understandable after what you went through. I wish you and your baby the best. I hope your lovely craftiness distracts you and keeps you as calm as possible. Just imagining myself living in one of your drawing gives me serenity so I hope it has that effect on you ;-)
I wish you a wonderful pregnancy
kind regards